Why is it we always take the safe ground when the topic of sex is brought up? And with some of us, there is a gray area that we would surely not mention to our pastor. We just assume it would not be a wise topic to discuss. Even I had great difficulty getting up the courage to make these pages you see here.
I believe the main problem with how many approach the topic of sex is that they are not consistant within their own viewpoint. On top of this, their viewpoint seems inadequate when dealing with real life. In other words, the approach many take on the topic of sex is not consistant and just does not seem to work with everyday living. It reminds me of the topic of dieting. You tell yourself, I will loose the weight, I will exercise and eat the right foods. But, next thing you know, you are 5 pounds heavier and more frustrated than ever. Obviously, something is wrong with the approach. I believe the same is the case with how many in the church approach the topic of sex.
Considering the times we live in, is it wise for the church and for Christians to brush the topic under the rug or to take an anti-sex, "avoid it as much as possible" approach? When we have a younger generation who is influenced by hollywood and the pop-culture and who look at sex as a casual non-bonding entertainment? To look at it more like fast food service, than as the glue that bonds two people who love each other together? We are not talking about the problems that were prevelant maybe in your time: people having sex with a someone they love (ie ~ girlfriend, etc). No, we are talking about going "clubing" and getting a "piece of action" for the weekend. A new person every weekend. And we are not just talking about guys anymore, but women also doing this. The question is, should we just have our culture teach our children? For in the church it seems that they either hide the topic under the rug or they take it out and start "cleansing" everyone from sexual thoughts. As with anything in life, if you are trying to convert people from one way of living to another, you have to actually have a legitimate replacement lifestyle. Teaching kids several rules on sex, designed to bind their mind is not the best replacement for their casual sex. Its just like Alcohol Prohibition in the 1920's, it just made the problem WORSE. Why? They made up extra rules and gave no one alternatives. Of course the people will rebel, it isn't rocket science. Just like no food is not a replacement for bad foods, when going on a diet. Actually, if you compare food to how the church views sex, it would be more like this: you can not eat food and you can not think about food either and if you marry, you should still restrict your consumption of food, compared with the devil's plan: eat anything you want as everything is fair game.
Here, I believe, is the primary error when it comes to the topic of sex: People assume God made many rules on the topic. And, they do not consider the fact that many of those rules are not in scripture and do not stand in the face of logic. So, you have hollywood telling everyone that any sex is good sex and you have the church telling you sex is not good (in a nutshell). In other words, the church is playing into the devil's hands when it comes to this topic. We are basically telling our kids (and ourselves) to avoid anything sexual like the plague (including kissing, touching, thinking, etc). With the church it is the more rules, the merrier. However, I think it drives people away from the church, because it does not reflect God's Word or God's design. And those who are faithful to all of these extra rules, end up not sexually happy within marriage, because they have been trained to think of sex as something to be minimized!
Once you understand God's logic on the topic of sex, it becomes much easier to understand and a better fit with real life. Very simply, God uses the "love God, love neighbor" approach to the sex topic. And by loving God, I am refering to mainly one aspect. God doesn't want you to work counter to his design in nature. So, if you respect his design, you will not have male with male lying together or any of the gay/lesbian lifestyles for that matter. You will not have animals with humans. Last, you will not have relations with immediate relatives. However, interestingly, God permits polygamy all throughout the Old Testament and even Jesus uses parables where he is a polygamist! For instance, the parable of the 10 virgins. Only 5 of the virgins marry him in the parable. I could make a huge argument here proving polygamy is not a sin, however, It is not very relevant to this discussion here. God's "ideal" would be one male with one female. So, that is where love of God comes into the equation on the topic of sex within marriage.
And on the "love neighbor" side it comes down to not sleeping with your neighbor's wife. Pretty simple to follow. And another factor is respecting the father of a daughter you have interest in. By this, I mean if she is younger and under his care, you are to look at the father as someone who keeps his daughter. However, once she is not under his care, if she is not married to anyone, you are not violating any scripture regarding sex, even if you are not married to her. God's ideal, though, is for sex to be within marriage.
So, to wrap it up, there is a logic to God's design of sex. It is not like he just made up rules out of thin air which have no basis in logic. He does not just make up rules for no reason. For instance, masturbation. Why would God even make a rule up about that? Obviously, if there is no logical reason and there is no scripture on the topic, it is not a sin. God isn't just making up rules to irrate you. We have to use common sense here. Jesus said his yoke is easy and his burden is light.
You see, when people start deviating from God's logic and Word, they start implementing doctrines that do not exist. Man made doctrines. Kind of like the pharisees. They managed to come up with thousands of rules from the 10 commandments. Quite a bit of exegesis, wouldn't you say? However, as you can remember, Jesus was not too happy with them "tying heavy burdens" on the backs of people and all the time, they are scheming ways around God's commandments and their own rules, like hypocrites.
In other words, God doesn't need your help making up new rules and tying them on the backs of your congregation. There is a reason why he inspired 40 authors to pen the Bible. And, I would have to ask, are you following the rules you are teaching? So, why not just stick with scripture. Being "very conservative" does not make you more holy than anyone else. Wearing longer sleeves, having a longer dress, etc, what are you accomplishing? Is it actually helping you to preach the gospel? Or are you separating yourself from the world like the pharisees did? Remember, Jesus hung around publicans and sinners, not pharisees.
So, what does the above mean? You and your spouse can have sexual fantasies without sinning. Yes, you can do things like sex outdoors without sinning. And, of course, you can masturbate without sinning with or without your spouse. Having sex with your spouse basically in any and every way imaginable is not a sin. And, you can be creative, romantic, have sex 5 times a day or 1 time every two weeks. Almost every time you hear of it going for a month or more, there is usually something amiss. The point here is, it is a gift of God, don't let anyone take away that gift from you. God is not anti-sex and I find it very irritating that Christians have to burden others with doctrines they think the Bible teaches, yet generally they are just taking passages out of context.
I guess if you want to see some good scripture on sexual fantasy in scripture, look at Song of Solomon. Yes, everyone will tell you it is symbolic of Christ and His Church, which, it is. However, lets not forget the obvious here. It is an erotic story, plain and simple and it is as clear as day. There IS a reason that it was included in the Bible.
And maybe you are wondering about using pornagraphy? Well most is sinful, obviously. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that. However, does that mean all of it is evil? Actually, I am not going to say 100% that all pornagraphy in all forms is evil. However, I would say this. People have a slanted incorrect judgement system when it comes to both Hollywood movies and pornagraphy. Most seem to take it too far with pornagraphy, declaring any and every piece of nudity a sin. And with Hollywood movies, they let everything slide. I think Jesus would take a far more balanced approach and use the same standard when judging both. How is it all sex is evil, but all those evil things we see in hollywood movies is OK? I have seen far more evil in recent Hollywood movies than I have seen in some erotic videos. You don't see people getting killed left and right with blood flying every which way, people saying God's name in vain 50 times and then to top it off some gay thematic elements. That is Hollywood for you. How is that not worse? I would also venture to say that a majority of Hollywood movies are just as evil as the worst pornographic movies in God's sight. He would likely rather you watch a clean erotic movie than some evil movie Hollywood put out. But, I am not saying that God wants you to watch pornagraphy either, I am just using the comparison to make a point.
However, lets say you actually have your head on straight. It could be some good fantasy for you and your spouse to have some fantasy in your sex life. For what was Jesus saying in this infamous Bible passage,
"5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.""
Is he saying it is a sin for you to see anything erotic? Any lustful thought is a sin? Man, sounds like a real sex killer on the surface, doesn't it? Would hate to be single and lust after any woman, right?
Wrong. This has to be one of the most misunderstood scriptures in the Bible. I am starting to think that. I find it so frustrating when I do searches on the internet and all you see is 97% of everyone saying if you think one lustful thought about anyone you are sinning.
It is not saying this common viewpoint. First thing is first. The sin of adultery can only occur if a married woman is in the equation. For adultery means: Strong's Concordance: "have unlawful intercourse with another's wife.". Further the term "woman" in the passage is translated 50% of the time as "wife". And this passage would only make sense if it meant "wife", as adultery can only occur if a married woman is involved. In other words, if she is not married, it is not a sin to think about her "lustfully".
Second, the term "lust" is also misunderstood by many people. It means to covet or earnestly desire. And by covet, it means desiring another's property and wanting to steal or take it. By earnestly, we mean serious with intent to take. So, EVEN noticing a "hot" woman who is married and noticing her beauty, it does not mean you "earnestly desire" her. The ONLY time you are sinning here is if you start to let your thoughts turn into serious desire to take the woman for yourself. Where you start thinking, I want to get her into bed. That is where the sin starts. Not noticing her "hot body". See the difference?
Now with all that said, one of the first standards that need to be in place with something that has erotic content is this: the action protrayed in the video can not be evil. To learn whether a sexual act is a sin or not, please read my article on pornagraphy. Same is the case with your fantasy life. Make sure the things you are thinking are not sinful acts if they were played out. And again, by this I mean ONLY God's rules. And you can see them all here. If you take "standard" ideals from many churches, you would think every single act on video that is erotic is sin, however, that is not correct.
So, honestly, I think it is very burdensome to men and women to have to follow rules that do not exist. And that is why I made this website here. I decided I would finally write down some of my thoughts and studies on this topic, as there are just too many people saying the "cookie cut" standard viewpoint on the topic and generally speaking, they have no clue what they are talking about. Just rattling off something they heard in church or from friends. No studies within Greek and Hebrew. And those who have studied Greek and Hebrew, you don't often see them standing up to speak out on this, because then, they are singled out as evil or maybe teaching some false doctrine. Even I had a hard time writing all of this, wondering what people may think. HOWEVER, I know there are many who think the same or similar to me and just do not tell others. Because it is not a safe or convienent viewpoint.